Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
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my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
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I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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