haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
