I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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