omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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