Plan B is the new Plan A
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
