Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
