I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
