Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I didn't notice because vodka
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I am mentally ready for anal.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My feet surprised me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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