I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize