I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
