I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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