I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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