I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.