also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes