When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
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I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.