Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
