That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
