I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
