Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
