i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
