the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I take back everything I said about communal showers
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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