Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
