my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
