How'd it feel making her break her religion?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
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I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
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But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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