A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
