Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
