Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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