You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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