I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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