Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
