apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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