you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
