After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
