I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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