she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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