You're my little dorito
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
