And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize