Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
