Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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