Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
