you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
