And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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