just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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