So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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