so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
