i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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