Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
