Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
