i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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