This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize