Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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