wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
