i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
