she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
