I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.