my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..