I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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