I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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