i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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