My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
