I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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