My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
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Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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